Loneliness

The Deac's new job seems to be going well. He's a little stressed out by the change, particularly the changes involved in going from the private to the public sector. I've encouraged him to call several of our friends and talk through some of the stress of the change, which he's done and found helpful. But it occurred to me last week that I don't really have anyone I could just call and talk to out of the blue like that. It isn't that no one would listen if I called, because I'm sure any of our friends would set aside that time for me. No, it has to do with that nagging sense of low self-esteem.

The little voice is always there saying "your problems aren't bad enough to bother anyone" and "you're not important enough to bug anyone else" and "if you bug them too much, they won't be your friends anymore". It's insistent and persuasive, because I've allowed it too much power over the years. It's true that the things I worry about are not as bad as most of the horrible stories I read about in the news. But you know, in my life at that moment, they ARE important. I think I've begun to recognize the cycle: low self-esteem leads to loneliness, which leads to more low self-esteem. It actually is more of a "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" sort of question.

When I did some therapy in the summer of 2004, this exact feeling was one of the things my therapist and I discussed. Not the loneliness aspect, but the not feeling worthy enough to reach out and talk to people part. Not feeling valued enough to ask for help or a listening ear. I guess that's one reason I started this blog. It's good therapy in some respects to at least have a place to get my thoughts out. I need to work on it some more, though. It's not a simple matter. I don't want to forever hide behind a computer screen, I want to learn to be open and good at sharing my feelings with others externally, too. That was something never done in my alcoholic family of origin, so it's a daunting task.

I know the feeling changes significantly depending on hormone levels. So if he notices I'm really feeling down and unable to cope, my husband usually reminds me to eat chocolate. Unfortunately (because I hate blaming things on hormones) that usually works. Maybe the message here is that I need to eat more chocolate on a daily basis. ;-)