Thursday, April 26, 2007

Whew!

What a busy week! Sunday evening we had a gathering of Orthodox Christians from many different parishes and jurisdictions at our church. These are typical in most urban areas on Sunday evenings during Lent - they are called pan-Orthodox Vespers. But this year our parish decided to opt out of the Lenten rotation and host it after Pascha when we could be more celebratory and have meat and stuff. It was a lot of fun to see our friends from different parishes that we don't get to see very often. Since BOTH girls had fallen asleep in their carseats when we got there, I got a lot of reading done on my reading group book - The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri. It's an interesting book about an immigrant family from India and their experiences (and those of their children). One of the parenting e-mail lists I've belonged to for years just started a branch-off reading list, so it's all online. I think it will be enjoyable. We have a month to read the agreed-upon book, and then a month to discuss it while we are reading the next book. This is our first book.

Let's see - Monday I had a Parent Action Committee meeting at daycare, which meant I had to finish up designing the brochure for the daycare center that I've been working on for a while. At first I designed the whole thing in the Gimp, but then the Deac told me about an open source desktop publishing program called Scribus. So I ended up using the Gimp for photo manipulation and the logo for the front page, then put everything into Scribus, which worked really well! I was able to save it as a .pdf file at the end, which is easier for emailing and printing. I am planning to use Scribus to do the Parish Directory, too - which I REALLY need to find the time to work on soon.

Tuesday I had physical therapy for my foot. It wasn't as helpful as the PT I had last week, but I learned a few more exercises to try to regain some strength in my toes. Then Tuesday afternoon I picked up the girls from daycare early for doctor AND dentist appointments? Am I a bad mom for scheduling them both on the same afternoon? It worked out well, anyway. Maura had her 3-year checkup. She is very healthy and the doctor has no concerns. She was 36.75 inches tall and weighed 33 pounds. According to the CDC growth charts, that puts her at the 95th percentile for weight to length. She's just starting to lengthen out, though, so I expect that to change a bit over the next year. Emmelia did not have a doctor appointment, but needed to get her pre-kindergarten vaccinations. She remembered from her 5-year check-up last fall that we were delaying her shots until this summer. As a result, she's been apprehensive about both the arrival of summer and kindergarten. So we decided to get her vaccinations out of the way. She got a DTaP shot, but since she had a slight reaction to her first MMR shot, we decided to draw blood for a titer instead of giving her the second shot... this she did NOT enjoy but she was brave and did it and was all done. Right? Except the doctor's office called yesterday to inform me that the vial of blood was LOST somewhere between the doctor's office and the lab. I'm heartbroken about making her have to go through that again. Both girls had good cleanings and check-ups at the dentist, and then we met the Deac for dinner and had a lovely evening.

Last night we had Kindergarten Orientation at the elementary school we are hoping Emmelia gets to go to in the fall. We are 6th on the waiting list, which will hopefully give her a spot, even if it's in the afternoon kindergarten section. Emmelia got to meet her potential teacher and look at the classroom, even play with some of the toys. She LOVED it and wanted to start kindergarten right away. It's kind of cruel to make her wait 4 months... and will be worse if she doesn't get into this school! Keep your fingers crossed!

I have been working hard on getting caught up in my certification review class. It's time consuming, but I'm excited about being prepared and passing the exam this summer.

So tonight I'm hoping for a very relaxing evening at home, perhaps an early bedtime for the girls. All these evening activities are taking their toll on all of us!

Friday, April 20, 2007

National Day of Mourning

National tragedies take on a different meaning when you have kids. I remember feeling that distinctly in 2001 when we were watching the attack on the World Trade Center. I was seven months pregnant at the time with my first child and I felt a little overwhelmed at the idea of bringing a baby into a world filled with violence, war and uncertainty.

Events like this week at VA Tech bring back that feeling to me. So I decided today to make this layout - it is a layout I wanted to do, but didn't want to do at the same time, if you know what I mean. I believe we should scrapbook bad events as well as good ones and I hope that someday my scraps will show my kids what sort of person they were raised by. Although it's a fairly simple page I wanted to recognize the VA Tech massacre in some way just to document how it made me feel.

Monday, April 16, 2007

Over-parenting

Our parties this past week went great! Maura's Curious George birthday party on Saturday was particularly fun. I'll try to add some photos to my Flickr account today. We are still recovering from less sleep than normal over holy week and Pascha. Hopefully we'll be able to make better use of next weekend's promised lovely weather to do something outdoors.

Fellow attachment parent and author Katie Allison Granju has a new article out on over-parenting that I thought I would share. I definitely see this attitude a lot in this area, but tend to fall more towards the "benign neglect" spectrum myself (my online friends and I routinely refer to ourselves as "slacker moms"):
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Recently, a coworker and I were looking at some old family photos she had lying on her desk. Several of them were of her grandmother, tending to various household chores for the camera.

The photos looked to be from sometime in the 1950s, or possibly the early '60s. There she was, dressed in her June Cleaver-fresh, shirtwaist dress, standing at her spotless formica kitchen counter, preparing a meal. In another shot, she was perfectly coiffed, and dressed in pressed capris as she weeded the front garden.

"That's how I remember her," my friend said. "She was obsessed with having a perfect house and yard. Her casseroles looked better than they tasted, and I don't recall ever seeing a speck of dust or dirt anywhere in their house."

She went on.

"God, it's so ironic. She was so consumed with being the perfect homemaker that she didn't realize no one was actually comfortable in her home."

Those of us with pre-women's lib mothers and grandmothers remember women like this. They were the obsessive, vaguely dissatisfied homemakers Betty Friedan wrote about in The Feminine Mystique. They were the women whose worlds had become so narrowly focused on one facet of their lives — homemaking — that all the joy had been sucked right out of them.

Thank God we aren't those women. Right? Right?

Or are we? In recent years, I've encountered a disturbing trend among my current mothering peers. While we no longer pore endlessly over the grout-cleaning tips and curtain-sewing patterns in Ladies Home Journal, we've replaced this pre-feminist housewifery-porn with postmodern parenting-porn in the form of Fit Pregnancy and PARENTS magazines.

We may not stay up nights worrying about how to keep our whites whiter, but you can bet we're losing sleep over why little Jasper isn't yet out of diapers. We may no longer feel the need to compare the firmness of our jello salad with that of the other women at the church potluck, but we're not-so-secretly frantic over why little Ella from playgroup can already tie her shoes when our own five-year-old Ruby can't yet do the same.

In other words, we may no longer be "professional homemakers," but whether we stay home with our kids, or work outside the home, we've turned parenting into its own, highly stressful, endlessly demanding, often joyless undertaking. In fact, a recent study by research group Public Agenda found that seventy-six percent of American parents describe raising kids today as "much harder" than it was during their own childhoods.

But are we making it a lot harder than it has to be? I think so.

Last week, I was eating a meal with the parents of a lovely one-year-old child, their first. As the very cute baby played with her food, I noticed she was managing to get quite a bit of her mashed peas into her rosebud mouth with her small spoon.

"Wow, she's really getting the hang of that spoon," I commented with a smile.

"Yes," her mother replied, "I've been working really hard with her on it all week. It's kept me pretty busy."

Working really hard on teaching her to use a spoon? All week? Kept her pretty busy?

I shouldn't have been surprised. Hearing this intelligent, accomplished woman with a master's degree in biology tell me how consuming she's found teaching her toddler to use a spoon is just one more example of our current culture of hysterical parenting. I mean, really, when did parenting become this difficult? When did the admirable quality of involved parenting become this?

While it's one thing to be pleased — even proud — over baby's ability to connect spoon with mouth, it's quite another for her mother to become that invested in it, logistically or emotionally.

Wait, wait, you may be asking. Aren't you that same Katie Allison Granju who wrote a parenting book telling people to give their children more attention? Well, yes, and no. I did write book on attachment parenting, and I do believe strongly that infants and very young children thrive best with a high-touch, responsive style of parenting, but I'm also that mom who encouraged her two-year-old to play in the mud — some of which he certainly ate — and her five-year-old to climb trees. Yes, my kids slept with me as infants — because I found we all got the most sleep that way — but the kids were enjoying sleepovers with family and friends by kindergarten.

These days, I let my youngest kid enjoy his growing collection of pocket knives, and I expect my children to ride their scooters out of my eyesight in our urban neighborhood. And I frequently tell my children that since I already completed elementary school, and have no intention of repeating the work, they will need to do their homework without me hovering nearby.

I have often described my parenting philosophy as "benign neglect." Responsive parenting means just that: we respond to children's needs. It's not the same as over-parenting, in which we anticipate, preempt, or take control of our children's needs and developmental tasks. <

Of course, like all parents, I have my worries. In my case, I fret that they are watching too much TV and not developing a strong enough work ethic. I worry that the fact that their parents are divorced will leave them irrevocably damaged. And like everyone else I know, the primal fear of stranger abduction is always hovering at the edge of my motherbrain.

But I can say honestly that I don't obsess about the minutiae of my parenting, and as I get ready to give birth to child number four with husband number two, fifteen years after becoming a mother for the first time at age twenty-three, I am increasingly finding that this puts me in a distinct minority. In the past decade and a half, the parenting zeitgeist has shifted . . . into overdrive.

While there have always been obsessive, overbearing parents, they used to be the exception, rather than the norm. They were the kinds of hyper-involved parents no one wanted to become; because as they lived their lives solely through the prism of their parenting, it was believed they produced the archetypal "mama's boy," the child who was never allowed any activities outside his parents' watchful eye, and who was coddled and protected from all conceivable risk. This type of childhood, we have always believed, ultimately produced individuals who were stunted in their ability to make bold moves or take leadership roles — or even function independently.

Until recently, the essential tasks of parenting were seen as nurturing and socializing children. Today, however, this simple mandate seems criminally neglectful. Now, parenting requires constant vigilance, unflagging attention to every detail of our children's lives, and ever present monitoring of their every activity.

This over-parenting has become an epidemic. Legions of well-intentioned mothers and fathers, urged on by popular media and the marketplace, are frantically striving to create an endlessly controlled, bubble-wrapped childrearing environment. From neuroses with regulating our babies' sleep habits, to insistence on antimicrobial everything, to the attempt to continue "babyproofing" our homes until our babies are well into elementary school, our current parenting zeitgeist is competitive, market-driven . . . and exhausting.

But as hard as we are on ourselves, we are even harder on our parenting peers. In its study of parenting attitudes, Public Agenda found that six in ten of us rate other parents only "fair" or "poor" in raising their children. And these days, one big way we try to out-do these "fair" and "poor" parents is to buy better stuff. Our parental anxieties now include the belief that without the hippest, newest parenting swag, successful childrearing is no longer possible.

In fact, we no longer choose a stroller, but a parenting identity. Are you a trendy Bugaboo Frog kind of mom or perhaps a Mclaren traditionalist? God forbid you show up at the playground with a straight-from-Baby-Superstore Graco. How tacky! One mother I spoke to for this article sheepishly confided to me that she had gotten a new credit card for the sole purpose of paying for her $1,000 Stokke Xplory stroller, saying it made her feel like there was at least one thing she was assured she would do "better than anyone else at playgroup" for her son.

Peggy O'Mara, publisher of Mothering magazine and a keen observer of American parents for the past two decades, says she believes the commercialization of parenting masks our insecurities.

"I think people think they need a lot of baby gear because so many people use their children as social collateral, and judge one another by what they have for them," says O'Mara.

Don't get me wrong. I know that active, involved parenting matters . . . a lot. For those of us who take it on, raising a kid is certainly among the most meaningful and important tasks we'll ever do. In fact, I happen to agree with Jackie Kennedy, who famously said, "If you bungle raising your children, I don't think whatever else you do matters very much." The question becomes, however, whether the hovering, obsessive, all-consuming parenting style that has become de rigeur is actually serving our children — or us — very well. In our hyperfocus on all things parenting, are we bungling the very thing we seek to perfect?

Nearly ten years ago, author Judith Rich Harris made the cover of Time magazine with her wildly popular book, The Nurture Assumption, in which she argued that parents should stop worrying so much. But Harris took her argument several leagues further with her assertion that the reason parents should stop worrying is that ultimately, what mothers and fathers do — or don't do — has little impact on how children turn out.

But Harris was dead wrong. Parents have a huge impact on how their children turn out, and that's precisely why we need to take a hard look at the obsessive, controlling, perfectionistic parenting culture we're living in. In fact, facilitating children's ability to function independently, to figure things out, and to grow into themselves without excessive interference is in itself an essential task of parenting.

Parents' increasing obsession with creating a totally germ-free environment for children offers an instructive example of the way over-parenting is counterproductive. Fifteen years ago, when I brought my first baby home from the hospital, his father and I were instructed to keep him away from obviously sick people during the newborn period. After that, our pediatrician told us that exposure during infancy and childhood to household and environmental germs was part of building a healthy immune system.

Fast forward to 2007, as parents now attempt to create an artificially germ-free childhood. Not only do they avoid exposing their kids to sick people, they surround their children with antibacterial soaps and washes. They buy toys and baby gear coated in space-age, microbe-resistant surfaces, and trips to the grocery store require a specially made "shopping cart cover" meant to prevent little Liam or Ava from encountering anyone else's bacteria.

But medical experts are pleading with parents to stop with the anti-germ hysteria because rather than preventing illness in children, it's actually causing it, encouraging the growth of treatment-resistant strains of bacteria, and preventing kids' exposure in the healthy doses required to grow a strong immune system.

Yep, that's right, it turns out that regular, old, everyday germs are good for kids. So is regular old dirt, disappointment, boredom, frustration, conflict, and the occasional playground accident. All of these help children to develop their own coping skills, creative and spiritual core, and sense of self.

When parents micromanage children's lives, overly investing themselves in their kids, everyone loses. Mothers and fathers lose themselves in their roles as parents, while kids never find themselves.

So here's my unsolicited advice to parents: take a step back. Relax. Enjoy. Your baby will sleep without an expert consultant coming to your house. Your toddler will eventually leave diapers behind. I promise. The Graco stroller won't mark your child — or you — as a loser.

Let your preschooler play in the dirt, and your kindergartener deal with the classmate who pinches her.

And for God's sake, let the baby figure the spoon out for herself.

©2007 Katie Allison Granju and Nerve Media

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Kalo Pascha!

Christ is Risen! Indeed He is Risen!

Pascha was lovely as usual (although colder/snowier than usual!!) and exhausting (more than usual, as I caught the Deac's cold 'round about Saturday). And there is no rest this week as we have 2 parties to get ready for. In the meantime, here is an interesting article by actress Rita Wilson (wife of actor Tom Hanks) about her experiences and memories of Pascha. Someday my "cradle Orthodox" children will be able to write something very similar:

Why Easter is Greek to Me: Xristos Anesti!

Once every few years, Greek Easter falls the same week as “American Easter,” as it was called when I was growing up.

In order for “Greek Easter” to be celebrated the same week as “American Easter,” Passover has to have been celebrated already. We Greeks don’t do Easter until after Passover, because how can you have Easter BEFORE Passover. Jesus went to Jerusalem to celebrate Passover, after all. Unless it is one of the years when the two holidays align. Like this year.

Here are some of the things that non-Greeks may not know about Greek Easter: We don’t do bunnies. We don’t do chocolate. We don’t do pastels.

We do lamb, sweet cookies, and deep red. The lamb is roasted and not chocolate, the sweet cookies are called Koulorakia and are twisted like a braid, and our Easter eggs are dyed one color only: blood red. There is no Easter Egg hunt. There is a game in which you crack your red egg against someone else’s red egg hoping to have the strongest egg, which would indicate you getting a lot of good luck.

Holy Week, for a Greek Orthodox, means you clear your calendar, you don’t make plans for that week at all because you will be in church every day, and you fast. Last year, in addition to not eating red meat and dairy before communion, my family also gave up sodas for the 40-day Lenten period.

During one particularly stressful moment, there were many phone calls amongst our kids as to whether or not a canned drink called TING, made with grapefruit juice and carbonated water was, in fact, a soda and not a juice, which our then 10-year-old decided it was, so we had a Ting-less Lent.

No matter where I find my self in the world I never miss Easter, or as we call it, Pascha. I have celebrated in Paris, London, New York City, Los Angeles, and in Salinas, California at a small humble church that was pure and simple.

When we were kids, our parents would take us, and now as parents ourselves we take our children to many of the Holy Week services including the Good Friday service where you mourn the death of Jesus by walking up to the Epitaphio, which reperesents the dead body of Christ, make your cross, kiss the Epitaphio, and marvel at how it was decorated with a thousand glorious flowers, rose petals and smells like incense.

Some very pious people will crawl under the Epitaphio. I have always been so moved to see this. There is no self- consciousness in this utter act of faith. There is no embarrassment to show symbolic sorrow at the death of our Saviour.

At a certain point in the Good Friday service, the Epitaphio is carried outside by the deacons of the church, as if they are pall bearers, followed by worshippers carrying lit candles protected from dripping on your clothes and on others by having a red plastic cup that sits below the flame to catch the wax drippings. Every Greek person knows all too well the smell of burning hair.

One time, in London, I smelled something and turned to look at where the smell might be coming from, only to be horrified that it was coming form me and my head was on fire. But I digress.

It is somber and quiet as we follow the Epitaphio, in candlelight, from the altar to the outdoors, in order for it to circle the church before it returns back to the altar. We sing beautiful lamentations that make your heart break with their pure expression of sadness and hope.

One of my favorite services during Easter is Holy Unction. This happens on the Wednesday of Holy Week. Holy Unction is a sacrament. It is for healing of our ills, physical and spiritual. It is preparing us for confession and communion. This sacrament has always been so humbling to me.

When you approach the priest for Holy Unction, you bow your head and as he says a prayer and asks you your Christian name, he takes a swab of blessed oil and makes the sign of the cross on your forehead, cheeks, chin, backs of your hands and palms. It is a powerful reminder of how, with faith, we can be healed in many ways.

The holy oil is then carefully dabbed with cotton balls provided by the church so you don’t leave there looking as if you’re ready to fry chicken with your face, and before you exit the church, you leave your cotton balls in a basket being held by altar boys, so as not to dispose of the holy oil in a less than holy place. The church burns the used cotton balls.

There have been times when I have left church with my cotton ball and have panicked when I am driving away. At home I take care of it. Imagine a grown woman burning cotton balls in her sink. But that is what I do.

Midnight Mass on Saturday night, going into Sunday morning is the Anastasi service. We will arrive at church at around 11 p.m., when it starts, and listen to the chanter as he chants in preparation for the service. My kids, dressed in their suits and having been awakened from a deep sleep to come to church, groggily sit and wait holding their candles with red cup wax catchers.

As the service progresses, the moment we have all been waiting for approaches. All the lights in the church are turned off. It is pitch black It is dead quiet. The priest takes one candle and lights his one candle from the one remaining lit altar candle, which represents the light of Christ’s love ( I believe).

From this one candle, the priest approaches the congregation and using his one candle he shares his light with a few people in the front pews. They in turn share their light with the people next to them and behind them. In quiet solemnity, we wait until the entire church is lit with only the light of candles, the light that has been created by one small flame has now created a room of shared light.

And at a moment that can only be described as glorious, the priest cries out, “Xristos Anesti!” “Christ is Risen!” We respond with “Alithos Anesti!” “Truly, He is Risen!” We sing our glorious Xristos Anesti song with the choir. That moment, which happens about an hour, to an hour and half into the service and seems as if the service is over, actually marks the beginning of the service. The service then continues for another hour and a half.

When I was a kid, after the service was over, we would go to the Anastasi Dinner that the church would throw in the church hall, where we would break our fast, drink Cokes at 2:30 in the morning, dance to a raucous Greek band and not go home until our stomachs were full of lamb, eggs, Koulouraki, and we saw the sun rise. Or was it the Son rise?

But usually now, after Midnight Mass, we drive home with our still-lit candles. I always love seeing the looks on peoples faces as they pull up to our car seeing a family with lit candles calmly moving at 65 m.p.h. down the highway. When we get home, we crack eggs, eat cookies, drink hot chocolate (so not Greek) and I burn a cross into our doorways with the carbon from the candle smoke to bless our house for the year.

There have been many times when painters touching up the house have wondered why there was this strange black cross burned into our doorways. The next day is usually followed by a late sleep in, then getting up and doing the same thing you just did but in the daytime at the Easter Picnic, usually held at a local park.

I have to say, the Greeks know how to do Easter. Make no mistake. This is the most important holiday in our church. It is a beautiful week. I haven’t even begun to touch on what the week is really like. This is a sampling of a sampling of what it is like. It is so much more deep, so much richer than I have written here.

But one thing is clear. It is a powerful, beautiful, mysterious, humbling, healing and moving week. It is filled with tradition and ritual. It is about renewal and faith. And even though it is still too early to say, Xristos Anesti! Alithos Anesti!

Actress Rita Wilson, whose mother and father both were born in Greece, is widely credited with landing Nia Vardalos a movie deal for "My Big Fat Greek Wedding." Wilson and her actor husband Tom Hanks had their own "Big Fat Greek Wedding" in 1988. They have two children.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Remembering my Dad



My father died on Great and Holy Friday last year, so today seems more like the anniversary to me than the calendar date. I've been thinking a lot about him and how our holy week and Pascha went last year. I guess I'm still processing through the stress that was last year, with his death and the funeral followed closely by the Deac's illness.

Anyway, I decided to go through all the digital photos I have of my Dad on my hard drive and scrap them today as a way to remember him.

And now I'm off to the Great Friday Burial (of Christ) service. Seems appropriate. I hope everyone has a blessed and good Pascha/Easter!

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Two new layouts

I finally found some time to scrap last night and today! So I'll just post briefly what I came up with and then I must get caught up on some things.

Here's one with that photo of Maura and her candle on Palm Sunday (one of my favorite photos). The wordart is from a wordart challenge at Digitals.
Full credits are HERE.

And here's one using another of Amy's terrific "Flora Maura" templates. Maura grew this grass in her toddler II room and was so excited to bring it home! I really hope it thrives in the backyard.

Full credits HERE.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Happy Birthday to my baby!

Well, I tried to get back on and post yesterday afternoon, but blogger was acting up. At any rate, my baby successfully turned THREE years old yesterday. I am a little melancholy about it, actually - at the idea of not having a baby or toddler anymore. But not melancholy enough to have another one. Heh.

Here's my sweetie ready to go off to school after opening presents yesterday. Really, it seems like Maura just sprouted overnight into a full-fledged child with a full-grown sense of what she wants to go with it (I'd forgotten how independent 3-year-olds become).

Happy birthday, baby!

In other news, we had a very busy and exhausting weekend. On Saturday we went to the annual teaching liturgy that our priest does. This is always a really enlightening service. It's neat to see the things and hear the prayers we normally don't get to see because the clergy do them away from the people. It's also nice to be able to ask questions about different things. The kids were full of energy, but seemed to enjoy it, as well. Then it turned out that there were a lot of things that needed to be fixed up to prepare the church for Palm Sunday and so it ended up being a full work-day. It was tiring, but we got to hang out with friends and visit some, too, which was nice. Then Sunday, of course, was Palm Sunday. This year the Eastern calendar for Pascha coincides with the Western calendar for Easter. Palm Sunday is a HUGE event in Arab lands. I've been told that on Palm Sunday even muslims go to church in Arab countries. So it is the biggest day of the year, attendance-wise, for our parish. And this year was no different. With beautiful weather, everyone came out of the woodwork for the liturgy. Since it was so crazy I didn't even try to bring a cake for coffee hour to celebrate Maura's birthday. And it turned out that was good because 4 other people were celebrating their birthdays, too! There was plenty of cake and celebrating to go around. Here's some photos of the girls on Palm Sunday:

So this week is Holy Week - we have lots of services to attend (the Deac more so than the kids and I) and traditional foods to prepare for Pascha! There is a traditional Russian dish called Kulich (a sweet bread) and Cheese Pascha (a sweet cheese spread for the kulich) that I make every year. A few years ago I figured out how to make the kulich in the bread machine and that is great (though not traditional!). This year, the Deac wants me to figure out how to make the cheese pascha with Splenda or something to make it low-carb. We might be asking for the moon, but I'm willing to give it a try.

In other news, Emmelia lost her second tooth yesterday! It's been loose for a while and when I got to daycare yesterday she had me feel it and I was able to just pull it out easily. So the tooth fairy left her one of the new President-series dollar coins and, at Emmelia's request, left her tooth there under her pillow as well. She apparently wants to save them. So I need to get her a nice treasure box of some sort to store her teeth in - they make such things, but maybe we'll make one.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Extended breastfeeding

As of today (more about that later - with photos!) I'm officially tandem nursing two "big kids" - a 3 year old and 5 year old. I never expected to be still nursing at this point, but I'm glad it's worked out this way.

Appropriately, the Boston Globe had an excellent article about this very topic on Saturday:

Supply and demand

Evidence suggests more women are breast-feeding their children until they're toddlers and older -- and they're not just earth-mother stereotypes

On a recent Saturday evening, Ruth Tincoff and Bruce Inglehart of Wellesley had a party for Gwen, their not-quite-5-year-old daughter. They served six squealing girls squiggly pasta with red sauce and Gwen's favorite dessert -- vanilla cake with raspberry - and - lemon frosting. While the adults munched on veggies and dip, the girls played dress-up.

Gwen's birthday is coming up in April, but this wasn't an early celebration. This was Gwen's weaning party.

"Just before I cut the cake, I said, 'We are here to celebrate Gwen's important decision.' Everybody already knew what it was, so that was pretty much it," Tincoff says matter-of-factly.

Few children have weaning parties, let alone at such an advanced age. Even though there is wide acceptance nowadays of nutritional and immunological benefits of breast-feeding for infants, Americans, by and large, look askance at mothers who nurse toddlers, preschoolers, or even kindergartners. Anecdotal evidence suggests there are more of them than ever, however, and they aren't just earth-mother types in Birkenstocks who homeschool their children. Tincoff, for instance, works full time as a visiting assistant professor at Wellesley College. She also had not expected to be nursing Gwen until she was nearly 5.

"Gwen wasn't a big fan of eating," she says. At first, she stayed with it to give Gwen the nutrition she needed. Then it became part of their relationship and a way to comfort her daughter. "It helped Gwen to manage her emotions. If she was cranky or had a tantrum, nursing helped restore her," Tincoff says.

Figures from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and from Abbott Labs' Ross Mothers Survey show a steady increase in the number of women who initiate breast-feeding, from 57 percent in 1994 to 72 percent in 2005. Less well-known is the gradual increase in the age at which breast-feeding stops. In 1997, 26 percent of mothers were still nursing their babies at six months; in 2005, 39 percent were. In 1997, 14.5 percent of mothers were still breast-feeding at 12 months; by 2005, the number had climbed to 20 percent.

No one keeps count beyond 18 months, not even La Leche League International, a lactation support system. Katherine Dettwyler , the nation's leading breast-feeding researcher, says women who continue to nurse typically keep quiet about it, sometimes even to family members, because the culture is so biased against it.

"People say, 'Oh, he's going to think he's having sex with his mother!' " she says. "Well, no. Only if you socialize him to think that way. This is a biological process. Human beings are wired to naturally wean sometime after 2 1/2."

"Nursing an older child is no longer uncommon, but women know people today tend to be judgmental and feel free to share their opinions," says Heather Bingham of Arlington, a La Leche leader for nine years. Gail Levy, an international board-certified lactation consultant with the Center for Early Relationship Support at Jewish Family and Children's Services, says she sees more women weaning after 12 months.

"We call these women 'closet nursers,' " says Dr. Ruth Lawrence , a pediatrician who specializes in infant nutrition at the University of Rochester. Lawrence, who chairs the American Academy of Pediatrics' section on breast-feeding, helped write the academy's 2005 position statement that reaffirms breast-feeding for at least a year and "beyond for as long as mutually desired by mother and child." The World Health Organization's recommendation, adopted in 1979, is for a minimum of two years.

Tincoff says she knows at least 10 women who are nursing preschoolers; all the girls at Gwen's party had recently weaned or are still nursing. Amanda Lappen of Jamaica Plain, who nurses her 19-month-old twins, says she knows 20 women who nurse children older than hers. Wendy Bosland of North Attleborough, whose third child, Henry, stopped breast-feeding this winter at 5 1/2, says she sees many more women now who nurse long term than 11 years ago when she nursed her first child.

Public health campaigns account for the increase in women who breast-feed, says Lawrence. Those who stay with it, particularly beyond 18 months, tend to be highly educated. "This is not a cult," she says. "It's about education and learning that the benefits persist." Research shows that breast-feeding provides continued protection against infection and allergies.

There is also the matter of the mother-child relationship. For a working mother who is separated from her child all day, nursing in the morning and at night is a loving way to reconnect, says Naomi Bar-Yam of the Massachusetts Breastfeeding Coalition.

Bar-Yam points out that breast-feeding a 3-year-old is very different from breast-feeding a 3-month-old. Nursing lasts only a few minutes instead of 20 or 30, and typically happens once or twice a day, not six or more times. An advantage of nursing an older child is the ability to communicate. Mara Rest of Wayland, who weaned her 5-year-old last August and still nurses her 2 1/2-year-old, likes that she can tell her son, "This isn't a good time. How about when we get home?"

The ability to set boundaries on nursing is one characteristic of a healthy nursing relationship, says Dr. Jane Morton, a pediatrician who is a clinical professor at Stanford Medical School as well as a member of the AAP breast-feeding section.

"There are no medical or psychological reasons not to nurse long term," she says. "It's frowned on in the US because the breast has become so highly sexualized." She says it's a myth to think that a child who nurses long term will not develop autonomy.

There is not unanimous agreement on this. Some professionals support the notion that breast-feeding beyond a certain point can create an unhealthy dependency on the mother. But Texas psychologist Linda Sonna of the American Psychological Association says there is growing recognition that it's best to let the child determine when she's ready to wean. Many children "may not be ready until 5, 6, or even later," says Sonna, who has written many parenting books including "The Everything Toddler Book."

"There's no reason to think it is abnormal or pathological or sick," says Nancy Holtzman , board-certified lactation consultant at Isis Maternity parenting programs in Arlington, Brookline, and Needham.

Norma Jane Bumgarner, author of "Mothering your Nursing Toddler," says women who experience hostility often are those who invite criticism. "Especially with older children, a person has to think about what she wants to deal with," she says.

Rest says she was very private about nursing because she sensed that even her husband, Dan Balter, was a little squeamish. If that's true, Balter says, he's over it now. Last week, when they were at a computer store, Rest disappeared to a corner to discreetly nurse 2 1/2-year-old Joachim. Balter didn't think twice about dragging the salesman over so they could ask her opinion. "He didn't bat an eyelash, and neither did I," Balter says.

When long-term nursers wean, they usually do so gradually.

Last fall, Tincoff's bedtime nursing disappeared because she was teaching at night, so Gwen and her father created a new bedtime ritual of bath and book. Months later, when days might go by without the morning nursing, Tincoff asked Gwen, "Do you want to be done with mama-milk? I'm OK with that if you are." She was.

Contact Barbara Meltz at meltz@globe.com.