Walking on Water

I haven't been dealing so well with life lately. As you can probably tell, I've been wrestling with some heavy spiritual questions and I've been struggling equally hard on the parenting front. I haven't been as accessible and patient towards my kids as I wish I could be as a parent. I think a lot of that is sleep deprivation. Being tired makes it exponentially harder to deal with anything.

Last week I had the thought that I am at a point where I need to sink or swim in my spiritual life. By doing nothing to work out my salvation, I will sink. But in order to swim, I need God's help. It's a tough place to be because it's a leap of faith - do I believe God is there for me or not? Do I believe myself worthy of God's help or am I going to continue denying it? It's probably not coincidental that the Gospel reading on Sunday was about Peter walking to Christ on the water. God may work mysteriously a lot of the time, but sometimes he beams you with a two-by-four just to see if you are paying attention. Anyway, since Sunday I've had the refrain of a song from one of Em's CDs ("Fruits of the Spirit" by Kh. Gigi Shadid) in my head: "Do not be afraid, I tell you, do not be afraid... keep your eyes on Me, and you will never sink."

The good news is that the kids seem to finally be sleeping a little better and waking me up fewer times a night. I'm still tired, but last night I had the wildest, craziest dreams all night. I think my brain is catching up on REM sleep - and after that, maybe there's hope for getting my energy and brainpower back! Let's hope I can continue to stay afloat, anyway.