Apathy vs. Superwoman
I've been struggling with a deep sense of apathy for over a year now. It's pernicious. I notice it mainly at work where it is all too easy, sadly, to let things slide. No one is going to be hurt or affected in any way if I don't get a certain record in a database by some magical deadline. So it becomes acceptable to say that today, I'm going to concentrate on doing something for my Russian class or set up Suzuki violin lessons for Emmelia instead of that work project that is piling up on my desk. I'm not the only one like this at work - I'm not sure if that's good or bad. Home life is the same way. The dishes can wait, really. They are not a priority in any way. So why am I paying good money to have my kids in daycare while I sit at my desk and play a round of Mah Jong solitaire? Oh, yeah - the mortgage.
I've felt bad about this for a long time. It's the subject of many a discussion with my friends. And yet here I am posting on my blog in the middle of a workday. But I've been slowly coming to a realization about this whole thing and it actually relates back to those pesky self-esteem issues I keep trying to put away for good. I have some inner Superwoman against which I compare myself constantly. This Superwoman would have absolutely no issues with being a full-time tandem nursing mother, a full-time employee, a student, a wife, a homemaker (not necessarily in that order). This Superwoman can do it all, have it all, be it all. And somehow there is a feeling inside me that if I fail to live up to this impossible standard, I am a failure.
Well, I can't live up to it. There - I've admitted it. I cannot be the perfect woman I've always been encouraged to be. It's not apathy or even anything bad to take a break now and then or to not be able to accomplish 110% of the tasks we set ourselves. I can still be a good person and not always be on top of it all. I need to lower my standards a bit, don't you think?
So now, back to the Mah Jong before I work on returning those water shoes I ordered for our upcoming beach vacation. And THEN - I might get to work on something work-related...
posted by Shamassy @ 12:31 PM
3 Comments:
I think it is worse if you stay at home! Think about it I can even decide no one needs to bother getting dressed! Now that is sad! I look at other SAHM that have their kids going here and there and they seem all put together and on top of it all. Most days it is a struggle to gets us all out the door in timely manner to go grocery shoping and do errands forget about extra activities. I have both mental and written to do lists that just seem to grow and grow. I actually stopped and LOL the other day as I picked up the living room for the 10th time and know would have been able to tell or that I had just vaccumed 5 minutes before, Elena found a Grahm cracker and smashed it in the rug! I said if you can't beat'm join'm and I sat down to play!!!
My family keeps telling me they grow ups so fast so enjoy! Like you said dishes can wait and so can a lot of other things in my world!!
OH and superwomen was a cartoon and well Martha Stewart is the only other women who appears to come close and she ended up in jail! ;-)
Ha! And she's (Martha Stewart) not even that nice of a person according to some of the things I've read. Hopefully she won't sue me for libel if she reads my blog...
But you're right. It's self-destructive to accuse myself of apathy when I'm just *understandably* overwhelmed by a life that is *understandably* overwhelming at this point. That's what it's like to have small children, let alone ANYTHING else going on in our lives.
A friend of mine was just telling me about something she read in an Ann LaMott book about how she gets soooooo overwhelmed sometimes and goes off on her son when it's really life being overwhelming and not HIM, per se. She described it as "even if Jesus Himself was in my living room at that point telling me about how he ran in PE class that day, I'd go off on Him, too". And it's true. Women in our society are raised to think we have to always be sane, calm and peaceful - it's okay to not be sometimes. Now if we're ALWAYS in that state there might be a problem... ;-)
I hear ya! I am married, yet live alone with our 5yr old son...married yet single parent...my world is never organized. I work fulltime (I am the boss there too...more frustration) at home, I think somedays my son knows I am more relaxed and takes full advantage of it LOL. Oh course my DH thinks on somedays I am pure lazy...and he is right, but if I don't have those days I would be sure to self-destruct.
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