Despair, Reliance & Hope

"...for we were so utterly, unbearably crushed that we despaired of life itself. 9 Why, we felt that we had received the sentence of death; but that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead; 10 he delivered us from so deadly a peril, and he will deliver us; on him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again." (II Corinthians 1:8b-10)

I read this passage from the New Testament last night and it really struck me. I know it's not probably the best practice to frame everything in terms my own experiences and I know St. Paul was speaking of far more noble suffering - the suffering of martyrs (I'm guessing? I'm not actually sure about that). Still. The idea that St. Paul - a shockin' holy saint** - could be brought so low that he despaired of life itself is somewhat amazing to me. It helps make God more approachable, actually, to know that someone who once felt such despair is now honored by the Church as a saint. [I don't mean to imply that I despair of life *constantly*, mind you, but it does occur with a discouraging amount of regularity - often correlated to hormone levels. ;-) I think it's somewhat normative in the human condition to sometimes feel that way.]

But, no, what is important about this passage is the hope. No matter what happens to us in this life, no matter how bad it seems, God can fix it. Really, how can you be overwhelmed by despair and death when God has overcome death? The trick for us is in believing He can and, harder (to me at least) even than that is to believe that He will. It all comes back to God's promise to not give us more than we can bear. It seems like if you are despairing of life, you might have a little too much to bear. Instead of giving up on his apostolic mission, St. Paul turns to God when he gets to this point and asks for help. He not only asks, but he expects help. I hope someday to have such boldness before God and I suspect learning to have such boldness is what real faith is about. I read somewhere (it might've been Schmemann's book, I can't remember) a while ago that the phrase "Lead me not into temptation but deliver me from evil" in the Lord's prayer actually relates to this very thing. We are asking for and affirming our trust that God will not allow us to be tempted or burdened past our ability to cope. Learning to rely on God and having faith that He is going to remove the burden of our suffering from us - that's the harder part. I hope that eventually I can let go of this burden and give it to God. Until then I probably won't be receptive to the comfort He is continually offering me. It's as though the doctor is saying "here is a cure right here!" and I am stubbornly refusing to no longer be a victim of some disease. I hope I can eventually get to the point of acceptance of God's love and forgiveness so that through my struggle others can be strengthened. As St. Paul says earlier in the passage from II Corinthians 1: 3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.


**This saying is from a cassete tape the Deac used to have of British children talking to their Sunday School teacher in the 1950s. At one point, the teacher asked a little boy who St. Paul was and he said in the cutest little voice "He was a SHOCKIN' holy saint!" We still crack up about it (we're easily amused).