Tuesday, May 30, 2006

40th Day Prayers

Christ our eternal King and God, You have destroyed death and the devil by Your Cross and have restored man to life by Your Resurrection; give rest, Lord, to the soul of Allan who has fallen asleep, in Your Kingdom, where there is no pain, sorrow or suffering. In Your goodness and love for all men, pardon all the sins he has committed in thought word or deed, for there is no man or woman who lives and sins not, You only are without sin.

For You are the Resurrection, the Life, and Repose of Allan, departed this life, O Christ our God; and to You do we send up glory with Your Eternal Father and Your All-holy, Good and Life-creating Spirit; both now and forever and to the ages of ages. Amen

In the Orthodox Church it is traditional to pray for the departed on the 3rd, 9th and 40th day after their death. Today is 40 days for my father.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

A busy, but good, day

Today I scored massive schwag at the annual Fresh Produce warehouse sale. This year the prices were unbelievable! I mean, women's dresses for only $10 and kids tops and bottoms for $3! So I went a little nuts. Luckily it didn't end up being that expensive since everything was so cheap.

I also saw the opthalmologist again and found out that my vision problems were the result of an allergic reaction to a preservative in my contact lens solution. So now that we know that, I can treat the inflammation then get re-fitted for my contacts and a different solution. I can't wait for that! Although I'm not looking forward to the bill. I wish insurance would cover contacts. Or even Lasik! I can dream.

Also today, I put the finishing touches on this layout I've been working on for a couple of days. Originally, it had a lot more elements on it that I wanted to use from the kit (A Spring in My Step by my friend Christine Nash), but I decided to cut out the majorly extraneous stuff. As it is, it's still pretty busy, but I like it - and I adore this photo of Maura in her "Got Breastmilk?" t-shirt.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

The people we'll see in Heaven

I had another good chat with a friend today. It really helps to have anchors in life when you feel like you are about to be over-whelmed. And having a friend you can always count on to lean a listening ear is invaluable.

One of the things that I brought up during our conversation was about forgiveness. I've always thought of *real* forgiveness being when you want someone to go to Heaven - you want God to forgive them and not hold whatever they've done to hurt you against them. More than that, I think if you've really forgiven someone, you'll even *look forward* to seeing them in Heaven - you'll be happy to see them again for eternity. That's where I fall down with my grandfather. I am at the point where I hope for his forgiveness and salvation and I hope he is in Heaven when I get there - just somewhere over on the other side of it or something.

My father's death made me realize that subtle difference - the wishing for someone's salvation vs. wanting to spend eternity with them. I really do hope my father makes it to Heaven, and I'll be excited to see him again when I get there (assuming *I* get there too!). And, you know, it's not like my father didn't make choices that made my life very difficult growing up and as an adult child of an alcoholic. So where's the difference here?

Part of me wonders if it's not because I know more about my father's life. I have been able to see him as a person and I have some sympathy for why he made the choices he did. Now, while I'll never understand why my grandfather chose to hurt me, there must be more to the man than an abuser. Because the abuse started so early, I never had the chance to get to know my grandfather as anything else. I'm beginning to wonder if I might not be at a good place in my recovery to start learning more about this man - hear some stories from people who knew him. Ten years ago I wouldn't have been able to handle that, but I think I might pursue it a bit more now and see if getting to know him as a person helps me get to the point where I'll look forward to seeing him in Heaven.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Getting My Groove Back!

I made a really cool layout about our struggles with pneumonia this spring with the Urban Kiwi kit from Shabby Princess (love her stuff!). But the Deac, understandably, felt a little weird about me posting personal medical information on my blog - the journalling was pretty complete about all we've been through this spring. It's one thing to scrap an event and another to share it with the general anonymous universe. So if you want to see the layout, I can think of at least 3 ways you could do that if you are interested and know me.

Anyway, this was one of those layouts that forms in your mind well before you open the graphics program to scrap it - and that is a much more satisfying way to scrap than just beginning from scratch. When I begin from scratch I am rarely happy with how my layout turns out - usually it seems too busy.

I'm a firm believer that
A) Scrapping is therapeutic and
B) We can't just scrap the good times.

So even though the Deac is not quite recovered, it was good to get the whole pneumonia odyssey down on a scrapbook page so that we can move on.

And I feel like I'm getting my groove back! This is good. Life's been too over-whelming lately.

Monday, May 22, 2006

pre-kindergarten

Today my big girl moved up a class at her daycare center - from preschool in to pre-kindergarten! She's been wondering since she turned 4 (in November) why she hasn't been able to go into the "4 year old class." But because her birthday is too late to go into kindergarten this fall, they've been holding her back to avoid too much confusion when the other kids do go off to kindergarten. But today she finally got to move up. She was pretty nervous about it last night, talking about how much she'll miss her preschool friends and teacher. You know, the rooms are right next to each other, with only a 3/4 wall to divide them. They'll all still play together outside. She'll be fine. Plus, she gets to go on field trips this summer! I think she'll have a blast. By the way, this kit was made by my very talented friend Holli Dunn, who doesn't sell her kits but *should*.

Also, swimming lessons have been arranged for the summer. They start next week - how can it be summer already? I feel like I completely missed spring this year. Anyway, I was excited that the local Y is offering a parent/child swim class for Maura's age at the same time as the parentless swim class for Emmelia's ability level. And it's on a weekday night so it doesn't interfere with SLEEPING IN on Saturday - bonus! And, turns out Emmelia's friend that she took ballet with will be in the same swim class. It'll be a fun summer for all of us.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Will this never end?

Yeah, so, just to add insult to injury this week, I strained my back. This has happened before - usually when I twist while picking up a child. It goes away with a day of rest and some over-the-counter pain killers. Well, not this time! I have no idea what I did to get injured, but it's been searing and over-whelming pain for 4 days now. The doc gave me some good, heavier duty, stuff, but even on that, there is pain - I just don't seem to care as much. Ha!


I've been itching to scrap, but been out of the zone so long that I'm in a slump. There are a couple of things you can do for a scrapping slump: 1) Look at other people's layouts and "scraplift" their design - this is also a good way to challenge yourself to learn new techniques; or 2) Use a "quickpage" - a page that someone else has already designed so that all you have to do is plug in your photos. These are a couple quickpages I've done recently. I really do wish I could get back in the groove though.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Happy Anniversary!

Thirteen years ago today, the Deac and I exchanged our wedding vows. It's been a fun ride so far - I can't wait to see what the next 13 (and beyond) hold in store for us!

Since the Deac is still down and out with pneumonia, I think our anniversary might turn out to be just as exciting and non-eventful as Mother's Day was yesterday. But that's okay. Life gets too crazy sometimes. The Deac did manage to snap this photo of the girls and I for Mother's Day:
Besides, we have the whole year to celebrate 13 years of marriage, right?

An aside, overheard this weekend:
Emmelia (in a really cranky mood, and a sing-song voice):
"Nanny, nanny, boo boo"
Maura (trying to copy, same sing-song voice):
"I have a boo boo!"

Kids just make you laugh sometimes, even when you least expect it.

Friday, May 12, 2006

A new (out)look

Well, what do you think of my new look? At lunch today, a friend and I went and got our hair done. It's the first time I've ever dyed my hair and I actually like the lighter color very much. It was nice to spend a little time on "me" and get pampered. I told the Deac it can be my Mother's Day present. It's not like he's going to be able to go out and get anything anyhow since he's so sick.

Yesterday I had a nice chat with a good friend about my Dad's death and handling things. It was really nice to have someone to talk to about it and he had some good advice. One thing he recommended was to not let myself get so bogged down in grief that I get depressed. I mean, allow myself to remember and miss my Dad, but not to get into the whole spiral downward that you can get into about death - did we make the right decisions at the end, how might things have been different, etc. It's not productive. So my friend really recommended forcing myself, when I get that bogged down, deer-in-the-headlights of life feeling, to force myself to think of the happy times I had with Dad. I do think there is something to this idea.

So I'm nearly off for the weekend. Hope everyone has a wonderful, as Emmelia calls it, Saint Mother's Day (::snigger!::). Monday will be our 13th wedding anniversary - let's hope the Deac is feeling better by then! Otherwise we'll celebrate by admitting him to the hospital.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

If you click on the photos and layouts on my blog, it should take you to a larger version which is easier to see/read. I made this layout to use on cards that will be sort of like "thank you" cards, I guess for people who helped during and immediately after my father's death - like the doctor, the minister, and various family members who went out of their way to be supportive.

Love conquers all

Last night I said to Emmelia: "Hey, Emmelia, you know what?" And she said, unexpectedly: "I know what you're going to say, Mama... you're going to say 'I love you'!" She was right, and it was pretty cute.

Things have been hard lately.

The Deac and Maura both have pneumonia. For the Deac it has meant over 2 weeks of fevers, a virtual cocktail of meds and generally feeling pretty icky. We're hoping he's back on his feet by next week and can avoid the hospital. For Maura it meant a few days at home and some antibiotics she seems to be responding to well. Since her lungs are in bad shape generally, we also had to re-start nebulizer treatments. She's doing better with them now that she's a little older, though.

I am getting caught up at work and itching to do some digi-scrapping. The blurry vision is still a bit of a hindrance, but the lubricating drops they gave me seem to help a little. It might turn out to be dryness related to the hormone treatment - that's probably the most likely scenario. But we'll see in a few weeks.

And I miss my Dad.

Friday, May 05, 2006

If April Showers bring May Flowers...

... what do May Flowers bring? Pilgrims! (I loved that joke as a kid)

I've spent the day at the doctor, then the opthalmology clinic, trying to track down why the vision in my left eye has suddenly taken a nose dive. It's completely blurry. Makes it hard to focus on computer screens, other cars while driving, etc. Fun. Anyway, they have no idea what is going on. It might be that the "killer" cold virus Emmelia contracted the week of the funeral - and that has confined the Deac to bed this week with sinusitis - might have somehow gotten into my eye and is causing an infection. The doc really didn't know. So I'm to: A) not wear my contacts for a while just to let my eyes rest; B) use "natural tears" drops and; C) see him again in 3 weeks to see if there is any change. Luckily there is no sign of nerve or retinal damage (or a brain tumor).

Since I couldn't do much this afternoon with dilated and so doubly-blurry eyes, I decided to scrap this photo I took of the girls playing outside in the rain on the last day of April. My friend Christine Nash had made a terrific kit last summer called "Sprinkler Fun" that was perfect for this layout. I used a layout I saw a while ago on 2Peas for inspiration.

Have a nice weekend! May we all feel well next week.

Final Russian grade

When I came back from missing over a week of work and Russian class because of my Dad's death, I found it was the last week of classes already! And I not only had a make-up exam but a final exam in the same week! Unfortunately, when one is exhausted and processing grief, it's hard to care about the small stuff. So I got a "C" on my final exam. But, I still pulled out a "B+" in the class. I'm happy with that. Hey, if you can completely blow the end of the semester and still get a B+ in a class, that's pretty good. Plus, you know, it's not like I need the grade - I don't know why I get all anxious about it at all. At any rate, I'm glad the semester is over and looking forward to getting a couple of easy Russian readers to work through this summer.

Yesterday Emmelia was telling me about what she had been playing with her friends at daycare and I thought this was really funny (and it shows that she's usually the instigator of imaginative play, I think): They got together all their stuffed animals and teddy bears and they had "Bear Church". Then, she said they had "Bear Dying Church" - more prodding revealed this to be an imaginary funeral service. Then, they had "Bear Russian Class." I'm still laughing about it. I really wonder what her preschool teachers must think of us sometimes. ;-)

Thursday, May 04, 2006

The Good Thief

Sorry I keep posting articles - I'm still not really up to posting my own thoughts just yet. But I wanted to post this because my father died on Great & Holy Friday - just before the 6th hour, the hour when the Church observes Christ's death on the cross. It was a powerful time for my father to die, too. He was not Orthodox, not even a practicing Christian. And it was because of questionable choices in his life that he died of liver failure. But he knew God.

When I called friends that day to tell them of my father's impending death, and then letting them know after he passed, I heard a few times the reminder that the readings in Orthodox churches on Great & Holy Friday are heavy with words about the "Good Thief" - the thief on another cross next to Christ who acknowledged Him and was accepted into Paradise. It's comforting to think that, like the Good Thief, maybe my father in his final moments had an encounter with God that lead to him to be even now in Paradise. That is my prayer for him, at any rate.

Anyway, here is an interesting article about the Good Thief written by one of my favorite Orthodox priest wives/authors - Frederica Mathewes-Green:

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The Gospels don’t tell us much about the two thieves crucified with Jesus. Tradition calls the “Good Thief” Dimas or Dismas, while the “Bad Thief” is named Gestas. Dimas’ legend reveals a little more. As a young man he was the leader of a robber band in Egypt, and encountered the Holy Family during their sojourn after Jesus’ birth. He discerned something special about the Jewish family, we’re told, and ordered his men to spare them. Thirty years later he saw that child once again, nailed to a cross beside him.

During those hours of agony on Friday afternoon, Luke’s Gospel reveals that Gestas berated Jesus, saying, “Are you not the Christ? Save yourself and us!” But Dimas rebuked his fellow robber: “Do you not fear God, since you are under the same sentence of condemnation? And we indeed justly; for we are receiving the due reward of our deeds; but this man has done nothing wrong.”

Dimas then went on, “Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom.” The Lord replied, “Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.” From this point on our attention is fixed on the Cross of Christ. We see the sky darken, hear Jesus cry “Eloi, lama sabachthani!,” see him offered a drink of vinegar, and then, with “a loud cry,” breathe his last.

Dimas must have seen these things too, and in the midst of his blazing agony wondered what it all meant. No doubt the Lord’s words had surprised him. Dimas was expecting that Jesus would somehow show his kingly power. If something was going to happen “today,” it would have to happen fast. No doubt he turned his head, whenever he could bear the pain, to gaze at the strange dying man beside him.

Today we call crucifixion “barbaric,” but the method was carefully thought through by very civilized Romans. They needed a form of execution that would deal memorably with those who posed a threat to the state (like the rebel bands which plagued the land, robbing and killing villagers who resisted their cause). Crucifixion literally holds the criminal up as an example. The lesson continues when the body is left hanging after death, and it becomes a feast for pecking birds and gnawing beasts. This shameful decay deprives the family of the comfort of a gravesite, and rebels of a rallying point.

But best of all, death by crucifixion was not swift. If the Romans found it useful to hurry things along, a quick cracking blow across the legs with a stout length of wood was sufficient.

Imagine what thoughts went through Dimas’ mind as he saw his companion weaken and then actually die. Was it minutes or hours that he continued to survive there, his consciousness wavering in a fog of pain? A glance would show the body of Jesus sagging wretchedly, glazing over with blue, and no longer even twitching to throw off the feasting flies. “Today you will be with me,” Dimas perhaps recalled. Yes, he would think, that is where I am going. It doesn’t look
like Paradise.

Perhaps Dimas continued hoping for some miraculous pardon and rescue, even though the weight of the neighboring corpse mocked his hopes. What did he think as he saw the day draw to an empty close, and no angel from heaven stop the soldier who stood before him, swinging back the club that would shatter his legs and end his life?

Through two thousand years uncountable ranks of men and women have died for Christ, the ultimate witness of their faith. But they had this to strengthen them: they lived after the Resurrection, and knew that Christ has conquered Death.

Dimas didn’t know that. He wasn’t even a disciple, and can’t have known much about Jesus beyond hearsay. Yet for some reason he found in the battered figure beside him a spark for crazy hope. There was a strange light about this wretched criminal. It was like he knew something. No, it was that he *was* something. Whatever he was, whatever it all meant, Dimas wanted to be part of it. With a surge of untaught faith, Dimas asked Jesus for something he could hardly have understood: “Remember me.”

It is possible to have faith, even in things we don’t understand. True, we may regularly struggle with doubt when it comes to historical faith-claims that we cannot verify. But faith in Christ is not faith in a fact, it’s faith in a person. His presence inexplicably speaks from heart to heart. It elicits an intense desire to be near him, and an outpouring of love, trust, allegiance, and gratitude. The person who has experienced this presence can continue having faith in the beloved Christ, even when doubts about facts dance and mock. The fact-faith of other believers, the immense Body of Christ that transcends time, helps the individual ride out the storm

But Dimas would not have had that even that help; he had nothing but the memory of words spoken by a man now utterly still. Perhaps no one in Christian history has had his faith tested as searingly. Some saints have spoken of feeling abandoned by God; Dimas experienced that abandonment in the most literal way. Yet the Church holds him to be a saint solely because of his faith. Dimas had not cared for the poor or spent himself in fasting. He had not led a moral life, had not made restitution for his wrongs, and had not conquered heights of prayer. He wasn’t even baptized. But he looked at Jesus and loved him. And that was enough.

Even as we celebrate the Resurrection, where Death is trampled and sorrow is no more, we can still see the other cross, standing next to Christ’s. On that cross Dimas’ faith was exposed to the fiercest battering that doubt can deal. He could represent all those who find themselves inexplicably drawn to Christ, yet sometimes find it hard to believe.

Doubters are sprinkled throughout the Gospels, as if God had hidden them there for our reassurance. St. Thomas said that he would not believe the Resurrection until he’d seen and touched the risen Christ, and Jesus graciously met his need. When the eleven apostles saw the risen Christ on a mountaintop, St. Matthew tells us, even then “some doubted” (Matthew 28:17). And at the bottom of the Orthodox icon of the Nativity, we see Joseph looking worried as he listens to an aged shepherd. This is the Devil, and he is tempting Joseph to doubt the Virgin Birth. In the center of the icon the Virgin Mary Theotokos is not looking down at her baby, but is gazing out toward her spouse with compassion, as if she is holding him up in prayer. There are many in the course of Christian history who have had to pray with the father who begged Jesus to heal his son: “I believe; help my unbelief!” (Mark 9:24)

God himself completes our unbelief. This is the lesson of the cross of Dimas, which bears its own humble witness alongside the Cross of Christ. Even if Dimas’ faith was fragile, it was sufficient, because Christ himself completed it. As the ancient Orthodox hymn of Holy Thursday says, it was the Lord himself who made Dimas worthy of Paradise “in a single moment”:

“The Wise Thief didst Thou make worthy of Paradise, in a single moment, O Lord. By the wood of thy Cross illumine me as well, and save me.”

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Good Response to the Gospel of Judas

From Bishop Basil of Sergievo

Christians should not be trying to escape from the material world

Credo by Bishop Basil of Sergievo

Much has been made recently of the Gospel of Judas, a Coptic text whose Greek original dates back to some time in the second century AD.

What characterises this text is its reinterpretation of the life of Christ in a Gnostic manner, its picture of the sardonic, “laughing Christ”, and the important role assigned to Judas in bringing to fulfilment what Christ had come to do. Had Christ not died, His revelation of the inanity of this world would not have been complete.

The Gnostic position, which we know not only through the refutations of early Christian Fathers such as Irenaeus of Lyons, who was writing in about AD180, but now also from the library of works found in Nag Hamadi in Egypt in the late 1940s, was that this world which we perceive with the senses is a lower, faulty creation brought into existence by an inferior and even evil god whose nature is quite different from that of the true God to whom we should relate.

The most striking distinction, however, between the Gnostic Gospels and the four canonical Gospels is that they do not focus on Christ’s betrayal, crucifixion and resurrection as the central events in His life. They focus on teaching and knowledge: those things that can be grasped by the discursive, reasoning mind. In Gnosticism, it is knowledge that saves.

The Crucifixion, however, tells us that the material world is important. It tells us that death is important. What happens to us in this world is crucial. We are not here to allow ourselves to be lifted out of this world into a realm of the spirit, but to find ourselves in this world and to be saved within it. The whole structure of Lent points in this direction.

After 40 days of fasting and intensified prayer that are designed to allow us to see ourselves more clearly, to establish distance between ourselves and our ordinary lives, we are then plunged into the intensity and chaos of Holy Week.

We face human weakness and sin, criminality, betrayal, political and social tensions, a violent, occupying power, messianic hopes of national salvation, a burning expectation of the end of the world and of human history.

What we do not do is move gracefully from fasting and prayer to resurrection. Between us and resurrection stands the Cross.

Not because God wishes to punish us. Not because it is a good thing to suffer, and that the more we suffer the better our reward will be. Not because the greater the pain, the greater the gain. But because in order to move on to resurrection, something has to die in us. And this is our involvement in and complicity with the fallenness of this world, the very world that brought about the death of Christ.

Yes, human life in this world is not what God wanted it to be. But the reason for this is not some outside force, some second-class divinity who in his or her ignorance has got things wrong. The cause of the mess in which we find ourselves is to be found within ourselves.

And if the cause is in ourselves, no amount of externally derived, objective knowledge about the aeons and upper reaches of creation will save us. To be saved we must change, and this change must begin from within, and will inevitably involve our desire and our will.

One of the most vivid images of the Christian life as understood by the tradition of the Church is provided by the Song of the Three Holy Youths preserved in the Greek translation of the Old Testament that is sung as part of the Easter Vigil in the Byzantine Church.

The three young men have been cast into the “burning, fiery furnace” because of their refusal to bow down and worship the Babylonian gods. As they walk about in the flames, they are protected by an Angel of the Lord who turns the heat of the flames into a “moist and whistling breeze”. The point here is that God did not remove them from the furnace, but he did enable them to survive.

So too the thrust of the Gospels is not that God wishes us to leave the world, but that we should be saved within the world and within history while we wait for ultimate salvation in the Age to come. This the Gnostic Gospels do not tell us. They teach us that we must escape, that our place is elsewhere.

While in a sense this is true also for the Church, in that our true citizenship is in Heaven, we are told at the same time that our salvation must be worked out here.

It is in the mess of our incarnate, enfleshed being that God wishes to see us saved. And our salvation is bound up with the story of Christ, with his betrayal, crucifixion, resurrection and continued presence with us here, in this world, until the end of the Age.

Bishop Basil of Sergievo is head of the Russian Orthodox Church in Great Britain.